Six Overlooked Necessities for True Godly Friendship

This is a guest post from my daughter, Rachel Stevenson, on the topic of Biblical Friendship. Rachel is our oldest of four children. Her hobbies and interests include writing, art, baking, history and her cat, Joash. She is a senior in High School with hopes to be published someday.

 

In our day and age, "friend" can mean anything from your mother's second cousin's wife who's on a list of Facebook connections to a classmate you've known since kindergarten to your neighbor down the street. However, I think when it comes to discussing friendship on spiritual terms, we know we're really talking about true friendships.

The Jonathan to our David. The Diana to our Anne. The Sam to our Frodo. True friendship is a concept even the world can grasp, though weakly, stained and warped with sinful motivations. We live in a self-centered culture, where some of the most basic essentials of true biblical friendship have been drowned out in a noisy sea of "ME FIRST."

As a pastor's daughter who has moved a few times in different regions and situations, some better than others, I have had to start new circles and plant new friendships often. This is definitely a growing process, one which my parents, my "old" friends, and the grace of God have helped me through and one where I have discovered the need for the re-establishing of the basic necessities for God-honoring friendships to thrive. Six of these necessities, which are all biblically specified and applicable for any relationship, are: Effort, Trust, Conflict, Reconciliation, Kindness, and Prayer.

1. Effort

Friendship takes effort. Friendship is an investment. It takes time, conversation, and work from both individuals. Any relationship must be nurtured to thrive. Expecting friendship or any relationship to solidify upon meeting someone is like expecting a flower to blossom after you've planted the seed.

In a modern world where we always are looking for the easiest way to achieve something, we need to realize that the only way to develop a biblical friendship with someone is by modeling Christ and following His Word. This is not "easy" in the world's terms by any stretch of the imagination, but it is possible through Him and His grace.

2. Trust

Proverbs 16:28: "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."

Oh, how easy it is to simply color a story a certain way, to not tell the whole truth, or to twist it a little, simply to tickle the ears of the listener and to glorify our image in their eyes, or to make ourselves feel more secure.

While out of our mouths it may seem insignificant (I mean, I did tell the basic story, and I did preface it that I may be paraphrasing), such a deliberate slip nudges the snowball down the mountain. Trust, one of the foundational aspects of any relationship, is utterly shattered and the offended cannot take anything the offender says seriously, nor can they hope that any confidence previously shared with that person is safe.

Having experienced the dishonesty and backstabbing of others, both towards myself and to those close to me, I can tell you it is a heart and gut wrenching experience, sometimes undoing years of effort mentioned above.

God is gracious and these things can be healed. Nevertheless, we need to learn to be trustworthy. We all have that friend in whom we can confide. We should try to be the same. Even better, we have the Throne of Grace and should gently remind despairing friends that run to us of the help they will find there.

3. Conflict

Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone."

Proverbs 27:5-6: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse the kisses of an enemy."

Something that has been lost in a land of "self-esteem," sweep-under-the-rug concepts of non-confrontation and the twisted, all-tolerating idea of "love," is conflict.

Consider the proverb above. It is more loving to your friend to address an aspect of her life that concerns you, but only after prayer, consideration, and self-examination (taking the log from your own eye), and approaching her in humility,

Iron sharpens iron, and it can be a painful process, but in the end, true friends will come out of healthy conflict closer and stronger. Fight for your friendship, and ultimately for what is right.

A false friend will lash at you at the first sign of conflict. A true friend will work to set things right.

4. Reconciliation

Luke 17:3: "...if your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him."

Following conflict is reconciliation. Reconciliation takes honesty, humility, patience, and time. Always forgive as God has forgiven you, yet reconciliation is more than just forgiveness. It also involves the "moving on" process, ridding self of all pride, bitterness, and anger, the restoration of things lost in the conflict, and a commitment to building one another up.

5. Kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Ephesians 5:4: "Let there be no filthiness or foolish talk or rude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

There is this social media trend that suggest best friends are mean to each other for the fun of it. Memes declare things like, "You're only their best friend if you laugh when they trip and fall," "Best friends are really just two idiots happy to find someone as weird as they are," and "Friends talk about life. Best friends call each other poop," are splattered on newsfeeds.

What's even sadder is that girls are acting this way, insulting and tearing each other down verbally in the name of humor. Sisters, this is not biblical in any way! You may not think it affects you, but it affects others around you, and it is in no way godly. Let no coarse joking come from our mouths!

In all things we are to be kind and loving, especially our words and deeds. Think of nice things to say when they are appropriate. Counter a verbal slap with a compliment. Do something small to help another or even to make them smile. This will not go unappreciated and helps to nurture a true friendship.

6. Prayer

James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Often we say to our friends, "I'll be praying for you," but do we really? Do you pray for your friends, and not just for their trials but also for your friendship, even in times of conflict?

Prayer is a mighty gift from God and He will always hear us through Christ's intercession. Always pray for your friends. Your prayers are a blessing to them.

Ultimately, friendship is a gift from God designed to promote fellowship in the unity of Christ. It may sound cliché, but think of what you can do for your friends as opposed to what they can do for you. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them how you can pray for them. And above all look to Him in all you do and say.

All verses are taken from the ESV

Our Day of Rest

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work..." (Exodus 20:8-9). These words struck me as the answer to my ongoing busy-ness as a wife and mother. Being busy is understandable, but getting it all done seemed like a near impossible task each week leaving me with the temptation to be lazy or to fret. While retreating to my back yard with a cup of coffee on a weekday morning, I would observe the order around me as birds tended to their nests, ants traveled in line, and bees buzzed from flower to flower. That is their purpose designed by God to do what they were created to do everyday. My purpose is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.

 

Isn't this how we sometimes feel on a Monday morning? I don't have to feel overwhelmed if I get my mind in gear on how my week is going to be. A friend wisely advised me with the phrase, "first things first." I begin with a plan doing all the necessary tasks first and work everything else out through Saturday. Yes, Saturday is a work day friends. Sunday is our day of worship and rest. Get your household plan in order and you will be thankful.

 

"Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise" (Proverbs 6:6). Here's another one of those rib-sticking, heart-hitting verses that I treasure. Me? A sluggard? Well, if I am placing a priority on my personal entertainment and pleasure over my God-given responsibilities then no matter how hard I work on tasks I could still be a sluggard in my heart. Eek! I can tell you that I am thankful for people who hold me accountable to stay on task (including my kids) and seeing my jobs through. It is so satisfying at the end of a work week to enjoy all that was accomplished.

Gardens don't grow overnight and neither do we. When a friend asked me to write about prepping for Sundays, she blushed, confessing that she still didn't have it all down. My reply was, "Umm, how many years do you think it has taken me?" We should encourage one another to keep moving forward. If you have never picked up a dust rag or organized your week before now is the time to start. Just start.

What I do is write my schedule out for the week, highlighting any appointments or outings on a small marker board and lay out a sketch of our weekly menu. I pick a day for food shopping. I start the laundry on Monday and keep it going each day as needed. The children know their daily chores. My husband knows my week and I know his. Our schedule is posted in the kitchen as we go from day to day. We do not have a super detailed schedule, just a sketch so we can be flexible. People get sick, plans change, and our door twirls with ministry life. There needs to be room to groove. Plan that your week is moving with the concept of work before pleasure. But at the same time, we sketch in a family movie night, trip to the library or an outing for ice cream to keep us motivated and moving forward.

Habits form over time and pretty soon your schedule is a habit and you are flourishing. You will roll as a family with much less stress this way. You will see in your children who needs to focus better on tasks, who has a good work ethic, who helps others without being asked and who is grateful for what they have by how they care for things and you will instruct or delegate accordingly. 

Our job here is to keep the laundry, cooking, dishes, food shopping, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms, cat care, bills, trash, recycling, ironing, bed making, clutter control, windexing, plants and garden care, sweeping, mopping, weeding, banking, along with all that comes with helping a church plant each week started on Monday and finished by Saturday evening. We have six days to divide it all up. Some jobs are daily and some are all day. Some are once and done for the week. It is your job to plot it out, delegate and see it through. If you don't plan accordingly, you will be left finishing it all by Saturday. This lesson is one that you learn the hard way. You can begin another week on the right foot and move in the right direction. Your reward? Rest.

Sunday is our day of rest. We are given one day in seven for worship, food, fellowship and rest, a whole day, morning through evening. Some people are called to works of necessity on that day and they, like my husband, designate a day off to rest during the week. We are to prepare for the Sabbath day. We clean, prep and gather accordingly so that we enjoy the blessings of this one day in seven.

One of the habits we have formed as a family is not to stay up late on Saturday evening being busy with other activities. We remind the children that we are preparing for the Lord's Day and plan accordingly. We want to give everyone time to be clean and prepared with clean ironed clothes for the next day. We prepare food and have our kitchen cleaned up ready for breakfast on Sunday morning. 

 

We love holidays. We plan and prepare for a time of celebration. The Lord's Day is every Sunday. We should anticipate and prepare to make this day a delight for our family. It is a special day. This should be pressed in our hearts and made our purpose for why we accomplish what we do throughout the week. We should look forward to hearing the Word preached, praying with and for one another, delighting in fellowship with one another and resting from our daily tasks.

  

Take time to focus on what your week should look like. Try not to roll one lazy day into the next. Be honest but not overwhelmed by the tasks before you. With some elbow grease, a sincere heart, and a willing spirit you can slowly form your home into a beautiful place that honors the Lord in all you do. Our homes reflect our hearts. Make yours one that honors the Lord's Day and you will be blessed.

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations" (Psalm 100:4-5).

The Fruit of Fellowship and Friendship

The fruit of fellowship among those who belong to Christ is a sweet blessing to young and old. Our friendships that grow out of our fellowship with one another is a gift. We should be grateful for the faithful friends in our lives. Out of gratitude we look to the Lord for the wisdom we need to build our friendships and fellowship with one another for the glory of God.

Our family recently took a long road trip halfway across the country to visit our seminary and former church circles. We spent a week visiting many people. The hours of travel on the road gave me some time to think on what I have learned about friendship. At the conference, we were reminded by one of the speakers that God's providence in our lives is the story of our faith. The blessings and trials our family has faced in the ministry life has been a testimony to God's grace as He grew our faith in Him.

I really enjoyed seeing friends again face to face. These are people whom I had been praying for this past year and keeping up with online since moving to our new church plant. Some visits were only a matter of minutes before we both had to move on. Sometimes I was blessed with an hour of sweet fellowship over a cup of coffee or tea. Some of us met together as a group so we could all catch up at once. There were those I only could smile and wave at or grab their hand while passing by.

"This week is going by fast," I would sigh to myself, as I gathered my emotions each day. The thought occurred to me that it is only natural I would want more time, fellowship and opportunities with people because we are united in Christ. My heart was missing those who had already gone before us and were now with the Lord. I looked at those who were aging before me and wondered if this could be good-bye because I only visit once a year. My consolation was knowing that one day we will all be gathered together in eternity with the Lord. That is the reality of our fellowship now and the foretaste of what is to come.

When I first arrived in the seminary community I was brokenhearted from a previous trial. We had what I would call a ministry divorce with a place we loved. There were so many years, memories, and faces involved with that situation that only the Lord could heal me. There were lessons to learn from such a trial, one of them being that gossip and slander do not belong in Christian fellowship.

The Bible states that a gossip separates close friends. Those who gossip willingly are friendship breakers. Those who practice slander are those who willingly tear unity apart for the promotion of self. One who belongs to the body of Christ should bring honor to Christ alone and not themselves. Those who desire to build their own mini-kingdom to self will do so at the expense of the body of believers.

We continue to desire reconciliation knowing it would be a testimony to the gospel of grace. The Lord in the meantime transplanted us to the south where we entered the seminary life. We were licking our own wounds only to enter a small struggling church that was seeking its own reconciliation.

We watched this small hurting group flourish. There wasn't a desire for gossip, slander, or self-promotion. We all were under the preached Word, praying for one another and promoting godly fellowship. We built a trust with one another and loved each other in the Lord. While on our trip we visited this church and the tables were overflowing with people in the fellowship hall during the church luncheon. We were so encouraged to be a part of the continued fellowship with one another.

For all of us, friendship is meant to be unifying. It is not for selfish gain. We either are ones who give or ones who take. When any two people selflessly give, it promotes a beneficial relationship. If you are only in it for the taking you will risk withering your friendships.

When your friendship spreads to others it is a sign of a godly heart. 1 Corinthians 13 defines the godly love we should be promoting with one another. Love is not rude, selfish or proud. It is not envious. We should be willing to forgive and to speak well of one another even when someone is not present. We should not be speaking words of flattery for gain of approval with one another, but true words that build one another up in the Lord. Friendship and fellowship flourish when we desire unity in the Lord and obey His commands.

Our children have thrived even amidst the storms in life. He cares for us. Our trials in friendship and ministry life have taught us to look to Him for the grace and mercy He freely gives. We have learned the importance of honesty, serving one another, loving one another, forgiving one another and persevering. We love the church body and enjoy opportunities to reconnect, catch up online or visit face to face. Friendship and fellowship begin in our home and the fruit of it spreads to others.

Your friendship circles should be growing and melding with one another over time. You should be speaking kindly of your friends and they should trust you not to gossip or slander anyone. You should take great care to not isolate yourself to a few selfish acquaintances or a specific clique. This is not fellowship but an indicator of self-love. If you have been hurt by others, take great care not to isolate yourself and grow bitter, but learn the lessons from it and heal in the Lord. Confess the areas you need to repent in and find ways to use your time and gifts for others.

True fellowship and friendship is a light of God's grace in a darkened world. It is a gift given to you that you return to others in gratitude. Teach your children to love others from a heart that serves the Lord. Teach them to choose friends wisely and how to handle conflicts well.

New friendships blossom each year. We have friends that we have been blessed with for many years. These are the friends that know you best. They are the iron that sharpens iron, the ones that you had to forgive and still love and they have had to forgive you in return, the ones you can advise and be counseled by. Treasure those in your circles like this and pray for your friendship to be honoring to the Lord. There are those relationships that are just budding. It takes time to get to know one another. You wisely do not share everything about yourself to someone all at once. You meet and take the opportunity to find common interests. You ask friendly questions to get to know one another and be sure to ask how they are doing. You build this friendship over time as they gradually open up to you and you the same. Trust is always a factor in friendship and is earned over time.

I am so thankful for the Lord healing my heart and teaching me throughout the years what love, friendship and fellowship really is in the Lord. I close with a verse that is on my refrigerator that I am currently memorizing...

^"8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. ⁹ Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. ¹⁰ For

“Whoever desires to love life
    and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
    and his lips from speaking deceit;"

peaceful process of purging

The Christmas decorations are being stored away and I am left with a home that needs a cheery uplift for the next several weeks of winter. It is time for a good dusting and clean-up before I pull out some light decor to brighten the home.

Adding a little color helps to brighten the rooms before spring. This is when I have the annual "urge to purge." With limited closet space, I have to decide how much we need and what can be given to others.

We have kept the very sentimental items over the years. Also, I store away toys and books that we can pull out to use when hosting other little ones. We also have kept some of our "younger" toys for our future grandchildren to use someday.

I keep in mind that each child in our home has different interests. They collect and keep items that are special to them. I teach each child how to care for his or her toys and things properly. They learn to put their belongings away in an orderly manner.  This habit takes time and practice to develop. All our kids' rooms go through times of order and disorder. When their room looks like it has reached the "point of no return," we go in and we restore order. Currently, we are going through files and papers in our own room which also happens to be my husband's office area. Needless to say, it isn't too pretty right now, but it will get done.

While the kids were young, I would prefer to work with them rather than purge for them. Each child separates their things into piles: trash, recycle, give-away, things to keep, items for their memory box, and tiny treasures that are kept in a special box and put away. We included the "maybe pile" if they were not sure what to do with an item so they could think about it later. This keeps the process of organizing moving.

This is not a fast project. The room is going to look worse before it looks better. As much as I would like to haul in the garbage bags and  just "get it done," I know that that this not a good attitude towards my children and their things. I only have to look at my own closet of things or room to remember how easily things get disorderly. Would I want someone to come in and haul away my own belongings for me?

After the items are sorted, the trash and recycling are taken out, our giveaway bags are in the car, and the memory and treasure boxes are put away, we give the closet floor a good cleaning. Then comes the task of putting our items away in an orderly manner. We use our storage bins, hangers, shelves,  and racks in a way that makes sense. Items we rarely use go on the highest shelves. The clothes are carefully hung by type of garment. Seasonal clothes are sorted and stored away for later.
Items played with the most should be in bins where children can reach them, clean them up, and store them easily. Children need a system where they put their dirty laundry and where they put their clean clothes. My children work with me during this process so they learn where to put their things away. It is important to teach our kids how to sort, clean, and store items properly so one day, Lord willing, they know how to manage their own home.

My teenage girls have learned how to organize their closets after years of trial and error. Belts, purses, and shoes are placed in an orderly manner. They have learned that the floor of a closet can easily become a disaster if they don't keep track of what they have. I taught them that they should only keep what they really use and be sure to pass on to others what they don't use. Each of us at home has one closet area for our things. That is all we really need. We teach our children to shop wisely and be grateful for the gifts they receive.

Over-shopping for the sake of shopping (which can lead to hoarding) needs to be addressed right at the heart of the matter. Overindulgence in our things can be a sad indicator of self-love. This will burden your budget and your whole family more than you may realize. For me, shopping over the years became more of a happy careful selection instead of a careless emotional fix. Carefully focusing on the details of our home budget and remembering the real needs for myself and our family helped me to separate any emotional attachment to shopping.

Even on a budget, some of you may need to organize to see, like I did, the realities of our many "weekly small bargain purchases" that are needlessly filling our closets and drawers. See it for what it is, confess it, and then clean it out.

Ladies, our true comfort is found only in Christ. If you are emotionally burdened, depressed, or burned-out do NOT go shopping to comfort yourself. Take the time to read His word and pray. Confess the habits you may have formed over the years and have those you love hold you accountable to forming better habits of spending and caring for your home. He will give you the wisdom, grace, and willingness to manage your home in a way that will be a blessing to you and your family.

The benefits of organizing are many. It is well worth the time and effort. You learn what you are sentimentally attached to and carefully put away what you would like to pass on to your children. Sometimes you find something you were looking for. Our children will play with a set of toys that they haven't played with for awhile. We take the time to reminisce about someone special who gave us a particular gift. We put items in a place that will be easier to remember where they are. Happily, we create a wish-list of what we really need. The reward is counting your blessings for what the Lord has provided for you and remembering to care for all that He has given to you.

When you willingly give to others you will not out-give the Lord. Often we have had something come to us in return that we really needed. He knows our hearts. He helps us to be willing to work in our homes in a way that blesses each other.

We are a family striving to help one another live together at home in a way that is beneficial to all of us. We strive to respect each others' things. We ask before we borrow and we are expected to return it. We need to lend willingly, and we should trust one another and treat one another's items with care. We save for what we want and we give to others what we don't need. This is a simple way to keep promoting godly unity in your home and help to build a haven for all of you. By God's grace, we strive for our home to be an orderly, peaceful place that is blessed by the Lord and reflects a heart of gratitude and contentment.

busy and blessed

This season is a busy time. But we moms know that for us, every day is busy. Many times we are tempted to complain about the business. God commands us in His Word to be busy and industrious at home, so being busy is a noble thing and He will bless us for it. But we need to do our daily work cheerfully, carefully, and willingly. We need to be careful not to cram too much in one day or work with a selfish attitude. This will make you miserable. If you have reached the tipping point and need to calm down, take a breath and refocus, here is some simple and encouraging advice from a seasoned busy mom to all you weary hardworking mothers:

1. Love him! First item on the list is to put your husband at the top of the list. Not you. Him. You are glued or better stated cleaved, blessed, and intimately connected whether you feel like it or not. Your goal is to be a blessing to him. This takes much prayer and thought, since none of our husbands are without flaws. The Lord knows you need him and He blessed you with him. Show him love daily. Speak kindly to him and about him. Be with him - you know what I am saying here, ladies. As my husband put it, men are simple. I counsel friends over tea that there are three things men need: good love, good food and good work. You just focus on the first two and pray for the third.  This effort will not go unnoticed. Over time, with much prayer, grace and effort you will both help to build a foundation for your home that will carry you through the busy days ahead - and just a bit more focused on your tasks. 

2. Go outside! We make sure our family stops our schedules when the stress levels begin to rise and spend some time outside. We detach from the electronics and breathe fresh air. We walk, run, play and take photos to unwind. Sometimes we just hang out, enjoying each others' company and say nothing. This is good. This is family time.

3. Play! Have family moments that are just for you and your family. We have a sense of humor in our home and if that is wearing thin than we know that the stress levels have tipped too far. We stop our day and refocus instead of plowing ahead.

4. Bake something! Bake something they like and eat it fresh out of the oven. That is what we do at home. We sometimes break up the week with something sweet.

5. Go stare at the sky! Just look at the stars and the sunrises or sunsets and thank God for the many things he has done for you. Step away from the computer and just go to your window or your porch and pray. Building a heart of gratitude takes time and prayer.

6. Check up on your kids! Each of them. How are they doing? Cuddle, listen, tuck them in (even the teens!) pray for them and with them and help them to unwind.  This is a good use of time.

 

7. Talk! Talk about anything and listen well. Stop the day, not to watch a movie, but to communicate together whether it be around a fire, or a table of snacks, or sprawled on the bed. Open the word of God together and soak it in. Cast your cares on the Lord and pray together. Share what you are thankful for each day. We end everyday with hugs and kisses all around. Show the love of Christ by being busy daily for your family's good and know when to be still and know that He is God.


"Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Psalm 119:105 NKJV).