I asked my husband to tell me a few ways I have helped our marriage be what it is today. These hands are a testimony of a relationship over twenty years in the making. If you are newly married, struggling with marriage, or desire one day to be married, here are some of the encouragements from one husband to his wife.
"You make the home a place I want to come home to. It is peaceful, welcoming, comfortable and a place I can relax."
"You have helped to build trust in our marriage by being honest, following through when I ask you to do something for me, and by being careful not to bash me in public."
"How you manage our home shows a true demonstration of your concern, commitment, and love for our family."
"You are striving to be transformed by the renewing of your mind to put off the 'old man' and live by the Spirit. You are soft-spoken, friendly, and happy which makes it pleasant to listen to you."
"You are a gift to me and I want to treasure that gift."
I wasn't always deserving of such statements and during the first years of our marriage struggled with the key marriage buster-selfishness. Mutual selfishness does not equal a true marriage and yet this is what the world encourages couples to maintain.
So what brought me out of my loud, bashing, self-pitying, wretched, untrustworthy, temper-tantrum throwing, demanding, self? A widow.
The Lord placed a dear widow as the leader of a Bible study group I was attending. She had recently lost her husband to Alzheimer's. She shared a story I will never forget. She said that when she was newly married her husband would lay his clothes all about on the floor rather than put them where they belonged. One day she was so fed up that she literally threw them all out the second story window to the muddy ground below. We all laughed thinking how this sweet leader of ours was so honest about her tempermental moment of so long ago. But then she put her eyes downward into her lap, lowered her voice and quietly said, "I would put up with all his clothes lying around today if I could be with him again."
That did it! We were all in tears. I went home that day knowing what I was going to do. I was going to hug that sweet man of mine as soon as he walked in the door. I was going to pick up his clothes for him and whatever else he needed me to do and do so with a grateful heart. God had given me a gift and I needed to be thankful.
We have been through the many ups and downs that couples face: the financial stresses, the illnesses, the job loss, the moves, the second career, the calling of parenting, the ministry stresses, the calling to the church, to name just a few. We would not change a thing because all trials are ordained by a sovereign God who gives us the grace we need and deems it for our good.
The key to "us" is we fight for our marriage. That means we are committed to it more than to our own selves. We made a vow, "till death do us part" and we live like it! This involves a lot of honest, face to face, iron sharpens iron communication. Each of us communicates differently, so over the years we have learned how the other person explains or speaks. We trust what one is saying is not meant to be mean but just said differently.
Learn what your spouse is trying to say to you. Don't jump to conclusions. Take the time to clarify, take the time to be honest, keep the emotions level, and most, importantly, don't discuss something too deep late at night. That last one is a rule we set in our home.
On our twentieth anniversary we were in the middle of a trying time at home. My husband was working full-time while attending seminary as well as serving as an elder in the church. We did not have the time or money to get away. We went to the park, took a walk, and had a meal together. It didn't matter. We had us.
When the foundation of your marriage is a commitment to each other, when Christ is your head, and the scriptures your guide, when you pray for and with one another and build a trust as best of friends, you will get through the thick and thin of it all. Do not sell your marriage short over selfishness and worldliness. Find godly couples that inspire you to press on. Keep your relationship uniquely "you" and just between you. Your children will benefit from your example and glean from the trusting, loving, peaceful place you build together.
"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33 NKJV).
