I love the smell of tea roses, freshly washed babies, ground coffee, and my favorite shampoo. I do not like the smell of old chicken left in the garbage, laundry left too long in the washer, and unkept litter boxes. So it is with the aroma of our speech at home; words can be sweet, pleasant, kind, and uplifting or they can be bitter, unpleasant, mean, and discouraging.
Like room spray over a can full of smelly garbage, our inappropriate speech covered with "humor" will still result in an unpleasant aroma. Coarse joking and rude remarks, especially at the expense of another, will not promote godly unity. Only wise and pleasant speech from a heart that loves the Lord will result in true godly unity. "A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit" (Prov. 15:4). To promote a sweet aroma in our home we need to remove the stench that lurks in our hearts and minds first rather than cover it with the "room spray"of cheap words. "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Eph. 4:29).
When I am struggling with an unforgiving heart toward someone or battling bitterness I am like this little cactus. Everything in my speech will be prickles, even to those I love. I cannot be mean-spirited to one person and loving to another. More importantly, I cannot bash someone and praise Christ with the same mouth (James 3:9). In this state of mind my attempts at speaking kindly will be distorted and "over the top" to compensate for my bitter state. "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice" (Eph. 4:31).
I have a choice to make, I can continue to feed my bitter state by rehearsing over and over in my mind and even publicly with others the wrong-doings of this person against me or I can self-examine my own wrong-doings in the matter and draw from the example of Christ who freely forgave me. But what if the other party refuses to repent? What if it seems they have gotten away with the situation? We know that the Lord calls us to love our enemies, to guard our minds and hearts, to have an attitude ready to forgive if they do repent, and to press on in gratitude that we ourselves have been forgiven far more than this situation. When I struggle with bitter thoughts or feelings I attempt to catch it right away and pray for the other party. This keeps my prayer life flowing and my heart and mind grounded in what is good which leads to pleasant speech.
It is very important whom we choose to be our friends. We need to be willing to guard ourselves from the influences of those who practice gossip, slander, and bitter speech and circle ourselves with those who speak wisely and lovingly. We should be seeking friendships with people for whom we are thankful when they take the time to guide us, correct us, and offer genuine praise.
This little plant is like our tender children whom we are called to raise in our home. We are accountable for how we speak to them and about them. Christ is our head and we are His body. Our speech needs to reflect the love of Christ in order to build up others, especially our children, for the unity of His people. "For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing" (2 Cor. 2:15).
I am accountable for what I say. Too often we rely on our feelings to dictate what we say and to excuse how we say it. What slowly churns in our hearts and minds left unchecked will create emotions that eventually spill over in unnecessary words. Praying first thing in the morning, focusing on a verse, reflecting on a passage of scripture, singing a hymn, or praying throughout the day are all ways that have helped me keep my heart and mind in check especially when sleep deprived or weary from the daily duties as a mom.
Conflicts happen and have a purpose in our home. Arguing is allowed as long as it is fair and to the point. We discourage exaggeration, over-emotion, lists of past events that have already been dealt with, name calling, and the old "I am going to take my ball and leave" method when proven wrong. In our home, if you have a point to make you are to think before you speak, make your point, and be ready to hear both sides of the story. We don't entertain emotional breakdowns or pity parties.
There is a big difference between choosing to vent my bad day privately to the Lord in prayer or to vent it publicly. Keeping our daily speech deliberately pleasant helps to avoid stirring the pot in the first place. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).
All of us are accountable for what we say at home whether we remember what we said or not. The Lord heard me and He knew what I was going to say before I even spoke it. Claiming ignorance to the situation in the end won't give anyone peace in the matter. In our home, we seek forgiveness with one another and settle matters quickly so as not to have conflicts hanging over us as a family.
We look for creative ways to communicate positively to one another in our home. My marker board in the kitchen meant for weekly menu planning and events will often be decorated by my kids. Each child has their own marker board to write with each other. We have a kinder sense of humor here and often look for silly ways to brighten each others day. I picked up tiny mailboxes for a dollar and placed them outside of the bedrooms for little notes. We email and "chat" with each other at home. We still use walkie-talkies around the house for play.
Over the years we have built a list of funny sayings, stories, nick-names, and fond memories. We only share with others what our family decides is okay to share outside our home and keep other special memories exclusive to our little home. Before anything is posted on Facebook we ask our children if it would be all right. We try not to put each other on the spot in public. We do not speak about or post anything that would be humiliating or funny at someone's expense. We stick to stories that are well timed, clever, and uplifting. We tell one another if something is hurtful or unkind and strive to be more loving. Not everything that seems funny is necessarily good so we need be careful even in our humor.
A home with well-seasoned speech is like a well-tended garden. Our hearts are reflected in our speech. We need to pray that the Lord opens our ears to what we say and self-examine why we say it. We also need to curb our tongue before we say something we regret. "Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble" (Prov. 21:23). A person who speaks everything they think or feel is called a fool. Let us take the time daily to build the habit of timely, well-spoken words where they are meant to be spoken, privately in our home face to face. Let us not spill all our thoughts and family moments into the public. Gather moments from the years that are just between you and your family and build a sweet, trusting unity that only you share. The special stories will be passed to your children's children as they were meant to be. Journal your thoughts off-screen, pray in private, fight privately and fairly, love one another with a forgiving heart and seek to have a godly tongue that will produce a sweet aroma in your home.
"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person" (Col. 4:6).
