To Be Discreet

"...the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things - that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5 (NKJV)

...to be discreet...

In the original Greek the form of this word discreet is only found in 1 Timothy and Titus. We find the form of this word in other ancient writings, for example in the writings of Aristotle. Here in Titus 2 the root is used more than once. Discreet can also be translated as self-control. It is written for both women and men. For the young women it is an adjective which describes her manner as a woman. For men it is in a verb form which means to behave in a self-controlled manner.

God's Word instructs Christian women to be discreet and we are to teach this to the younger women. Being discreet means curbing one's desires and impulses. It is self-controlled and temperate.

A Christian woman who is desiring to be discreet is one who is curbing her desires and impulses. How we dress, how we speak, what we eat, and how we use our free time are just some of the ways a Christian woman testifies that she is seeking to curb her desires and impulses. There are many choices we make each day and we women are to be trained to show self-control.  We are called to serve one another, to seek the good of others, and to follow the example of Christ. When we through His Spirit curb our desires and impulses, we become not just hearers of the Word but doers. We live a life of obedience to the one who fashioned us. We are called to be modest, showing care and honor to our bodies. We desire for our tongue to be tamed. We are a sweet aroma to Him in our prayers, offerings, and daily tasks. We live knowing that we are His sheep. We are like lambs in His bosom and we do not want to stray. We must not adopt even the smallest, tastiest morsel of temptation to worldly ways for little by little and day by day it erodes our lives. Those who desire to be discreet are those who can be trusted. A discreet Christian woman is one who has a gentle and quiet spirit. Gentleness is controlled strength. She will show great wisdom and care to men and women and boys and girls in her circles. This will include the needy, the elderly, the wee ones, the ones who have difficulty communicating or functioning on their own, those who are nearing the end of their days, and the one new to faith. It takes great care and godly wisdom to extend a generous, helpful, willing hand to all of Christ's sheep.

Sadly the trends over the past several decades have not trained young women to be discreet. The trends today in some circles are actually isolating women of all ages (even as young as toddlers) by teaching them to be assertive, sassy, wise in their own eyes, prideful, self-indulgent, and disrespectful to the God given authorities in their circles. Young men are sadly being encouraged to support women who choose to behave like this. These women are encouraged to behave like those with adolescent minds and habits, throwing caution to the wind when it comes to decisions, fed with self-indulgent & fleshly desires, having disrespectful, selfish, and independent wills, with loud bashing mouths that have no filter or pause, which is modeled by other self-willed, proud women and preached by 24/7 worldly entertainment rather than God's Word. This behavior in women young and old is not godly. You need to avoid the advice of such women who encourage you to promote this behavior in your home. Do not listen to their ways even if they lace their lives with a knowledge of Scripture and appear happy and at ease. They are double-minded being tossed to and fro in an attempt at balancing Scripture with the worldly trends around them. Are there those in your circles to whom you look who sound godly on the surface but as you get to know them you see they are loud, proud, and complacent? Complacent means "marked by self satisfaction, especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers, or deficiencies." Ladies, please listen up and take a look at what you yourself watch, read, eat, spend your time and thoughts on, and how you use the 24 hours given to you each day. I must warn you that we all will be held accountable for what we choose to do or not do. Trials and pains are for our sanctification and are under a sovereign hand. Trials and pain are not an excuse to ignore sound teaching and godly living. These teachings in Scripture have a global and eternal perspective. Take pause knowing that where you live, when you live, and what the latest trends place no exceptions on Scripture's instructions. God is a God to a thousand generations of those who keep His commandments. Examine your choices today and ask yourself if they are helping you to be discreet as a Christian woman. If you are discouraged and led astray by others like I have been, please repent and take it all before the one who can sanctify you completely for His glory. Those whom He called will be sanctified in His perfect timing and care. Be that woman who has the courage to say no to the world, the flesh, and the devil and is determined to live life as a Christian woman who desires to be discreet.

Self Controlled and Temperate...

A discreet woman is self-controlled and temperate. She displays godly gentleness, wisdom, pause, thought, and care in her actions and words. She is humble and seeks forgiveness when she has not been self-controlled or temperate. Her words are uplifting; her correction is truthful and loving. She takes great care when admonishing others and does so in love for their good for she herself was admonished and knows the benefit of it. She knows the beauty of godly wisdom. She desires less and less the things of the world and knows her duties whether big or small is all for the Lord. He blesses her hands, he sees how she strives to keep her tongue, he sees her seek counsel where needed and how she is not wise in her own eyes, he sees her taking matters to the throne of grace so that her heart is steadfast and her words are careful for those in her care. She perseveres in her work and is not concerned with self-gratification. She does not want to blaspheme the Word of God by being known as a Christian woman who is careless, proud, stubborn, and unruly. She is known by her quiet demeanor, her quiet strength, her testimony of Christ's work in her life, and her humility. She does not speak with a bitter tongue. She prays for her enemies and places her cares in God's hands. She knows that God sees and hears all things. The purpose of her trials is to refine her life like gold. She is one who does not always need to give an answer. She knows when to just say that she is sorry for a situation someone is going through. She knows when to hold her tongue and let others trip on their own tongue. She wisely gives at least a day to emotional matters so she can process and pray. This will help her not to react in the moment and spill her emotions upon whomever would hear. She is aware that she is accountable. She is grateful that she is accountable to Christ. One day she will see Christ face to face when she finishes the race set before her.

To the Christian young ladies who are reading, take great care, press on, and meditate on the Scriptures. Sit under the preached Word. Know your place and show respect to those around you. Wean yourselves from the habits of the day and cast your cares on the one who made you. Have courage and trust Him in the day to day. Cling to Christ and repent of the ways you have not been discreet. Take this all one step at a time. Pray for godly women in your circles from whom you can learn these things. One day your faith will become sight; until then sweet sisters in Christ press on in humility and strength found only in Jesus. Desire that true beauty that is unfading and found within while striving to be discreet.

To Love Their Children

"...the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things - that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5 (NKJV)

...to love their children...these four simple words have twirled in my everyday thoughts this past year.

Children are the fruit of the womb, a gift from the Lord, and a blessing of His covenant with His people. They are to be raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Sons are described as arrows and daughters as lovely pillars. They are like olive shoots around the table. Happy is the man whose quiver is full of them. On and on the scriptures speak of the blessedness of covenant children. Here women are reminded not only to love them but to carry themselves in a productive, good, discreet, and chaste way that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

The Word of God directs us as Christian women. It should be read, memorized, and cherished in your home. Prayer is the means of grace that we women use to communicate to the one who fashioned us and made us. The one who opened each womb and brought forth His children for His glory. We are not left to our own wisdom and strength when it comes to raising a godly seed. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He knows our frame and remembers we are dust. It is through His tender patience and all knowing wisdom that Christian women are guided each day in the tasks laid before Him.

When there is a feverish brow, a limited pantry, a worry about your future financial state, a move to a new region, a suffering condition, a painful loss, a misunderstanding friend, a spread of falsehoods, or any other disruption to your attempt to press on you go to the throne of grace. Always take the time to pray to the one who knows your thoughts before you even speak.

Godly love for your children includes a foundation in your home that uses the ordinary means of grace. This is prayer, the sacraments, and the Word of God. Catechize your children and read with and to them the scriptures. Teach them the sweet truths of who God is and what He has done for His people. Speak of His eternal mercies and His providential care.

Be a women who confesses and seeks forgiveness. Be one who loves her husband first and who seeks the support of her elders if there is a need. Be a women who honors the Lord's day and delights in it. Foster a delight that is a pattern for your children. Order your week in a way that looks forward to the day of worship.

Be one who seeks to show hospitality and involve your children. Let them know the benefit of serving others and the unity among believers in the church. Look for the simple ways they can show care whether it is a simple task, a picture, a note, or a small token for those in need of comfort and care. Teach them to address others properly and show respect among the body of believers. Teach them to serve without grumbling and prepare them to use their gifts for God's glory. 

Be one who brings order and care to each child. Discipline and nurture them. Teach each one and model a heart of obedience to the Lord. Patiently order your thoughts and concerns and speak accordingly. Show grace and seek their forgiveness when you need to confess to them your neglect, your impatience, or your inconsistency.

Love your children with the love of God for He first loved us. We are His children and we all will one day see Christ face to face. We who belong to Him have this eternal hope in glory. Till then the task before us of raising children is a temporary blessed one that brings Him glory. Keep your eyes fixed on Christ as you serve the ones given to you in your home each day. Pray that their hearts would be changed, that their eyes would be fixed on Christ, that they would be not only hearers of the Word but doers, that they would be humble stewards and use their gifts for His glory, that they would love the church and those who are a part of it, that they would understand the Lord's sanctifying work in their life, that they be patient and long suffering, and that they would honor their parents that it may go well with them.

To love our children is to love them in the Lord. Press on each day, quiet your hearts before Him, confess your sins, know His grace, and pray for a gentle and quiet spirit that you may be blessed in your calling as a mother. Our hope is in the Lord. Our great Shepherd of the sheep blesses us and equips us to do that which is good. He is our helper and guide and redeemer. He knows our every need. Find that sweet strength in Him and call on Him each day for His love, mercy, and grace as you love each child in your care. May the Lord bless each of you sweet mothers as you raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

Lessons of Love

One of the duties that older Christian women have is to train younger Christian women to love their husbands; Titus 2: 3-4 states, "They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children." (ESV)  

When it comes to the topic of loving your husband it comes down to a simple command - love your husband.  To put it into godly faithful practice till death do us part is a life-time commitment rooted in Christ. This calls for a knowledge of and an obedience to the teachings found in the Word of God. It calls for an effort on our part that is found in God's strength and not our own. It calls for a prayer-filled life that seeks forgiveness and calls for wisdom and strength. It is a daily effort of putting off of oneself and the practice of serving another. What that looks like is modeled by other godly ladies around you who love their husbands. There is godly advice and there is worldly advice.  I am grateful for the examples in my circles whom God used to train me. These are God-fearing Christian women in the church that took me under their wing to guide me as a fellow woman in Christ.

 

We ladies love a love story don't we? We enjoy photos of newly married couples and it stirs up a desire in our hearts to love and be loved. This is a good thing. If you have a desire to be married some day then now is the time to study further what it means to be a godly wife. Your guidance is found in the Word of God. Christ is your head. The Holy Spirit stirs our hearts for a love of Him and the more we learn of who Christ is and what He has done for us the more we freely submit to Him and serve Him with our whole heart. This is the beautiful foundation that will usher you sweetly into a proper frame of mind for the day when you become a wife.  You would do well to make friends with those who are at different stages in life including widows. I learned the most from the older ladies in my circles. If we are going to love honestly and wholly it must be with the foundation of selfless effort rooted in Christ. Be in the circles of those who serve and speak well of their husbands.  

 

When you meet your husband-to-be you will notice a connect in friendship that is different than the rest. You may have some similar interests or a common circle of friends. Taking whatever time to communicate with one another today is helpful for tomorrow. You are two personalities getting to know one another each with your own gifts. Be yourself. You would do best to understand that you will not change him. That is not our purpose. That is between him and the Lord. Whatever concerns you have about him is to be taken before the throne of grace. Who he is is who he is. I and others can testify concerning our respective husbands that the essence of who he is now is still the same man twenty-five years or more later and will be till death do you part. Let me warn you from what I have seen around me that if you do attempt to control and change him in your own wisdom and strength you will only end up with a sad defeated mess of a man and you yourself may be lonely and miserable left craving for his headship and care.  Remember we have a supportive role as a suitable helper for our husband under his headship which is under Christ's headship.

Here are some things I have gleaned with a glimpse into our life as husband and wife. Above is a picture of a pile of clothes showing the reality of the everyday of married life. This everyday of marriage kicks in well before you celebrate that first anniversary. You are two people living together day to day. His stuff with your stuff. Where is that stuff going to go and how do we take care of it all? Do we need more stuff and how will we budget it? What is for dinner? Who is making dinner? Who is cleaning up and how? Just some of the things you iron out the first year. It sometimes comes with passion which is a bit amusing. You have a passionate start so don't be surprised when you find yourself passionately arguing one morning on let's just say whether the top button of a dress shirt should be buttoned on the hanger. Yeah, that was a noisy Saturday morning in our first place, but we aren't the only ones who have confessed to this stage and it may feel like your wedded bliss just entered a spiral but it didn't. You will be okay and making up is a bonus. You are trying to learn to live together. Don't let these everyday future conflicts make you overthink or hesitate to marry, just marry and let these matters be part of your growing up together. Conflicts have purpose and I learned more and more to be selfless because of them. My duties, calling, routine, and care are for his benefit and needs and for the glory of God and not my own. God blesses our home and our relationship to one another when we have this humble attitude of selflessness and a desire to obey the Lord. 

 

Married life will involve change. Marriage means that "a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6b). These words are the foundation of your marriage. You will leave and cleave. Hold fast and guard your thoughts and your time with each other. Your first priority is your spouse then family. We have stuck to this as a couple and have been blessed. You will begin a new home where the Lord calls you to go. You may, like us, end up moving several times to different regions over the years. You may learn about new places, meet new people, and be supported in your circles that this is a new adventure and exciting and so forth, but you will face a normal time of homesickness for the familiar. The reality is you are uprooting each time and inside it sometimes unsettles you and calls you to physically leave circles you have invested in as a couple. Marriage is designed to weather these changes. Hold fast to your spouse. Hone in in your home and stick together. Keep your sense of humor and create first memories in each new place that are uniquely yours. Be grateful for the support of others but give priority to your lives as husband and wife during these transitions. We are thankful for doing this ourselves. 

Money. Yep, that can be a marriage strainer. But it doesn't have to be if you do one thing...live within your means. That's it. Just do it. Hold each other accountable. I was financially on my own before I was married. It grew me up and I was better prepared to be a wife. This included no sponging on others. I felt the weight of occasional debt, and best of all learned to live within my means. I splurged less, gave more, and became really resourceful. I learned better how to keep a home, I learned how to cook creatively on a budget, how to host by myself and how to handle for a time the lonely life of post college. But every situation is different. Learning to live within my means came to be of much help when my husband entered seminary as a second career and we were raising four young children. If you desire to build a good home then be responsible for your day to day budget. I have been our book keeper for twenty-five years. I do the files, he does the taxes, I tend to do the daily spending while he handles the big purchases and the key part is we keep each other in the loop. We honestly communicate about money and our budget. There have been opportunities for learning along the way with those what were we thinking purchases and those Oh My! I should not food shop on an empty stomach! Working together with our budget taught me how much I could trust my husband financially and how much he himself was willing to learn along the way.

If there is one lesson I learned from those sweet ladies it was to make him your priority. If you find that difficult then check if it's you that is the priority. I know, ouch, but I have seen it too often in myself not to point that one out first. As a mom I slipped into making the kids the priority at times. That may sound okay, but honestly no one is happy in that scenario not even the kids. If it is because you find yourself distant from him then get to know him. That is what I did. If this meant feeding the kids first and having our own stay at home date night later than we did just that. We have favorite food dishes that are just for us. 

We have loved spending time together just the two of us. We spent time together before kids, while raising kids, and Lord willing we will look forward to the empty nest years. We know each other quite well and if you hang out with us you will pick up on that rather quickly by how we talk with each other. Recently, we had the movie theater to ourselves for a bit. If you were there you would have caught us laughing and playing I Spy just for the fun of it till the movie started. We have years and years of friendship that keeps rolling along and who we are on the inside doesn't age.  The time you spend together will help solidify you two for the long run ahead with all the stresses adult life can bring. If you know each other you will communicate in a way that builds one another up, say just the right thing to break the stress, or know when to say nothing at all. You are more than companions - you are one flesh.

When my husband and I first married we had our plans made and had our goals laid out but I can tell you they did not end up being where we are now. Trust and be willing to go where the Lord leads you. The Lord directs the two of you. He knows where you will be called to live, to serve, to worship, etc. You really are along for the ride. Trust that when those trials and life lessons come your way that the Lord is not wringing his hands. We went through quite a bit and I have touched on that in previous blogs and all I can say is God is sovereign and we survived. Pray with and for one another. Give yourself time to process things before you speak your concerns. When you are tempted to worry let your concerns be made known to each other and create a trust with one another. Mourn when he mourns, but remember that there will be times when he needs to process and grieve in a way that will be different than the way that you process and grieve. He will make mistakes, so forgive often, and keep such times between the two of you. You should be a shoulder for him as much as he is for you. You are his wife, the one that can embrace him in a way no other can offering him respite in a trying world. Be a comfort to him when he is sick. Be a trustworthy help-meet when he needs to process and heal. Take your concerns to the throne of grace and seek wisdom in how to meet his needs. Ask the Lord for strength when you are weary or concerned and pray that you have compassion for your husband. We are either a burden or a blessing to others. We wives should desire to be a blessing. By God's grace you will grow to be more and more Christ-like in what you do and say and over the years you will build a solid relationship that is a beautiful testimony in a darkened world.

My husband like many other husbands we know likes their home to be a haven - a respite. I love to decorate, organize, clean, and straighten the place for him and the children because I love them and I love our home wherever we may be. There is a sense of satisfaction in knowing where things are and being able to enjoy a clean and comfortable home together. My husband and kids have been helpful in pitching in together with various tasks and chores. Our home is for all of us to share. There are my "fingerprints" of interests and decor but more importantly there are also his. I like to blend us in the home. You will see his interests and hobbies as much as mine. It is important to me that my husband does not live in an over flowery pink home. It is his home too and as much as I love my feminine touches that is what they are touches. There are some things we all love like the smell of something baking or the aroma of a dinner simmering. I know my husband's favorite food and his not so favorite. He is not a fan of squash but I am. So I just make a smaller side dish of it for those of us who want it. The extra effort at meal time goes a long way. The simple gesture of lighting candles and plating food now and then makes for a happy table. I learned this by visiting homes of other ladies who knew the benefit and reward of that loving extra effort.

I am thankful for the benefit our kids receive from our love for one another. There is an assurance, a peace, and a comfort for them when I show love to my husband and speak well of him in front of our children and others. Ladies do not bash your husbands. If I find myself bashing mine even in jest I seek his forgiveness. I also do not share my concerns behind his back or want to make him the source of public jest. You will tear your home and family apart if you do these things. Repent of this and seek forgiveness from him and your children and speak what is good and loving instead.

I am thankful for the many ways he models for our kids what it means to be a godly man in the home. He is a hard worker and has a heart for the Lord. Our support and encouragement as wives goes a long way for our husbands. Having a gentle and quiet spirit is a delight in the home for him and the children. I have learned to appreciate more and more what makes my husband a man. I watch him interact with other men, I learned what makes him happy, and I learned what he dislikes. Talk with your spouse and get to know him and be willing to make an effort to be someone he delights to be around. I encourage our sons to look to their dad for guidance and for our daughters to learn how to appreciate godly men for who they are in Christ and not what we women think they should be.

Being in the Word of God together is one of the key efforts that has kept us stabilized. Your marriage will go through testing of all sorts and you may feel like it is sinking but your foundation and purpose is found in His Word. You will be spurred on to hold fast, to pray, to remember one another, and to press on. It takes both of you to make it work and you live it out in the day to day by His grace. When the storms come remember they are storms. There is dross to consume and gold to refine. You will come away with things to process, to revisit, and to communicate but you will grow.

Our marriage is one story of many, shaped by God, and purposed for His glory. May each of you dear sisters in Christ seek the Lord, pray, and press on in all you do. May you be blessed by His immeasurable grace and love as you grow with your husband and be a blessing to each other.

Pastor's Wife Life

 

This is Jim. Many know him as Pastor Jim Stevenson of Providence OPC, but that is his current title. In other circles he is known as Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo, Chief Jim, Mr. Stevenson, Uncle Jim, and Daddy. He has worn many hats and spun many plates – some not all that glamorous at times. 

As a teacher he had circles that looked up to him. In my opinion, they should since he is one of the best teachers I have met (and that is coming from someone who taught for years). We both share a love for people and good fellowship. 

As an elder he had circles that looked up to him. I am a witness to the countless hours an elder puts in behind the scenes while maintaining another job or two. He has put down his fork at many a dinner when the crisis call would ring. He has gotten up for work the next day after a late night meeting or counseling session. He has stood up for the truth on the floors of presbyteries or general assembly. He has huddled with men over issues I will never know the details about. He does not burden me with it all. When he walks through the door with that weary look, I don't ask... I just bring him a drink, put on a baseball game, and lay down.

That is a snapshot of the profile of my husband. A glimpse of his past twenty-five years with me. The photo above is his typical look on a Sunday afternoon at our little storefront church. He is flirting with me a little through the lens which I love, but he is thinking. He is always thinking. He is thinking about what he just preached from the pulpit. He is thinking about the schedule coming up the coming week. He is thinking about what the congregants told him over lunch that day or on their way out the door. He is thinking about those he saw fall asleep as he preached the Word to them. He is thinking about his day off and..... he is thinking about me.

This is me. Tricia. Wife of Pastor Jim Stevenson. A.k.a. "his lovely wife."
Why do they say that? "His lovely wife." Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable because I know my faults, and this role is quite humbling at times. The honest truth is that it can be a lonely role for some of us. We wives of ministers try to polish up, smile, wave, shake hands, and serve the coffee. We watch our manners...well I am really trying. We try to speak without saying too much.  People need to talk and get it all out and at times I am more than willing to listen for hours. This is different for me. I am a wife, a mother, a teacher, and a friend. I love conversations that go back and forth in an uplifting way. But as a wife of a pastor I do a lot more listening for the sake of others. I pray for wisdom for simple words that will hopefully help and I take their concerns before the throne of grace.

 

This is Jim and Tricia on a day off. We have interests, hobbies, and like to do many things you do. We are people just like you. His job calls him to be a mouthpiece for the Lord. When he preaches he is preaching also to himself. But he can also tell you about music, cars, how to fix a washing machine, raising children, loving his wife, working hard, and a lot about baseball. You could sit with us and discuss theology any day over coffee or a burger around our table at home. We are transparent. We are like you. We are all sheep.  

"Pastor's wife life...one of my favorite places to stop and pray is on our stairs. The cats and kids find me and do not hesitate to snuggle up or sit beside me." - I posted this the other day on my Facebook page. My son had caught me on the steps and the cat had made himself at home on my lap while I was praying. 

One of the key changes in my life becoming a pastor's wife is that I pray more than before and fervently. I do not take my role lightly. This is soul work and I need to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. Unless you are called to this place you will not know the enormity of weight that a Pastor and his wife carry. It is like watching one go through labor pains. You know one is going through it, but you can't feel it with them. We live everyday with the needs and concerns of others. We have a large set of circles interconnected in God's perfect tapestry. We mourn when you mourn. We rejoice when you rejoice. We take you before the throne of grace when you ask for prayer. We watch children grow. We want you to fix your eyes on Christ. We want you to glorify Him and be rid of pride and selfishness. We feel the sting of slander, gossip, and bitterness among people. We know what it is like to be misunderstood and mistreated, but we know the beauty and power of prayer.

God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is all his attributes all at once and all the time. When you come before the Lord he knows all before you speak. It is the most consoling, perfect place of rest. Our lives are transparent before Him. He knows our every weakness. It is He who called my husband to this task and me to be the wife of a pastor – not because there is anything worthy in us but because Christ in His wisdom has brought us here.  

As a pastor's wife I have grown to love hymns. I sing them, memorize them, and play them. I post photos of them on my Facebook feed. They are sometimes my "go to" when I do not have the words to pray. When life goes into a panic mode of uncertainty or I am holding the hand of one who is suffering, it is the words of hymns that often come to mind first.

The Word of God is my anchor in this role. Being under the regularly preached Word was the means of grace that was a healing balm to my soul in the trials of life. My husband's calling is to preach the Word faithfully. As a wife I respect the weekly hours of preparation that it takes for him to translate, read, study, and craft his sermons. I know he is right in the middle of that process when he is pacing around the home. He is just pulling it together. I just hug him, offer him food, and pray.

So now you have met "Jim-n-Trish" as we are known affectionately in some circles. But my hope is that you can picture your own pastor and his wife.  My encouragement to you is to pray for them often and take comfort that they are praying for you. We are ordinary people called to a task in Christ's kingdom. It is Christ who gives us strength and wisdom. Give thanks to the Lord for providing us with faithful under-shepherds who humbly serve His sheep.

"Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples!" (Psalm 105:1)

Parting the Curtains

"I wish I could peek through your curtains and see if you all are for real," blushed a confessing young mother and friend. This statement early in our friendship seemed to bubble up out of nowhere and I understood why. We seemed like we had it together but was it the real deal?

Our life had been in a fish bowl due to living and working at a public place, living the life as an elder's family for 12 years and then entering the pastorate life. I was called to marry a man who due to his personality and calling has a spotlight on him where ever he goes. Our early days in college were a challenge for me because I felt like I was in the running for shyest girl on the campus while hanging with a man and his friends who were truly the life of the party.

Our home life is normal. It consists in the everyday tasks and routines that make up a home. We really have nothing to hide. I could answer my friend honestly and say, "Go ahead, what you see is what it is." The ones who could testify to this are the many young friends we have babysat or hosted with our own children or the people who gathered around our table.

Home life, church life and our behavior outside of home should be balanced. It all starts with the home. This is where you learn from your mistakes, work it out, challenge one another, discuss what needs to be discussed and fellowship around your own table. Home is where you learn good habits, take care of each other and build up one another. When one person in the family is struggling we pray for them and either admonish or encourage them. We do not do this online and we do not want to do this in public.

As a pastor's wife I realize that we have life twirling on our phone, on our doorstep, and in our social events. We cannot guard the kids completely from hearing people let it all hang out so to speak. Our children are not in a happy bubble away from the "real world."  The real world comes to their home, their table, their times of travel, their holidays, and their times of fellowship. I knew we all needed to communicate when necessary and encourage each other to pray for others. The children know when daddy's phone rings to find something to do and when someone comes for a pastoral visit to find something to do.  I as an elder's and pastor's wife tell others that it is like living with the CIA and I do not know what goes on with the work of the session.

When necessary, we as parents need wisdom how to discuss sensitive topics appropriately, honestly and with the use of God's Word. The Lord knows our weaknesses and our need for grace. We build a trust with one another knowing when to speak and when to listen.

Children in the ministry life have opportunities to serve, encourage, and build others up. We mourn for those who mourn and we rejoice with those who rejoice. We pray for our missionary families. We pray for other pastors and their families. We practice the catechism each evening after supper. We hear the scripture read, we share what we are thankful for and pray together. We serve on the Lord's day at our storefront building. Everyone has specific tasks to do morning and evening and we learn the benefit of serving others. This is the outflow of our everyday life at home.

Behind our curtains there are dishes to be washed, toys to be picked up, closets to rearrange, and a to do list to make. There are deadlines, a budget, and the holidays to look forward to together. We are a family and we desire to honor the Lord in our home. By God's grace he is molding each of us in his sanctifying work and glorifying Himself in our roles as father, mother, sister and brother. What we all are are His workmanship, His children and we belong to Christ. If you peek sweet friends that is what you will see...

Six Overlooked Necessities for True Godly Friendship

This is a guest post from my daughter, Rachel Stevenson, on the topic of Biblical Friendship. Rachel is our oldest of four children. Her hobbies and interests include writing, art, baking, history and her cat, Joash. She is a senior in High School with hopes to be published someday.

 

In our day and age, "friend" can mean anything from your mother's second cousin's wife who's on a list of Facebook connections to a classmate you've known since kindergarten to your neighbor down the street. However, I think when it comes to discussing friendship on spiritual terms, we know we're really talking about true friendships.

The Jonathan to our David. The Diana to our Anne. The Sam to our Frodo. True friendship is a concept even the world can grasp, though weakly, stained and warped with sinful motivations. We live in a self-centered culture, where some of the most basic essentials of true biblical friendship have been drowned out in a noisy sea of "ME FIRST."

As a pastor's daughter who has moved a few times in different regions and situations, some better than others, I have had to start new circles and plant new friendships often. This is definitely a growing process, one which my parents, my "old" friends, and the grace of God have helped me through and one where I have discovered the need for the re-establishing of the basic necessities for God-honoring friendships to thrive. Six of these necessities, which are all biblically specified and applicable for any relationship, are: Effort, Trust, Conflict, Reconciliation, Kindness, and Prayer.

1. Effort

Friendship takes effort. Friendship is an investment. It takes time, conversation, and work from both individuals. Any relationship must be nurtured to thrive. Expecting friendship or any relationship to solidify upon meeting someone is like expecting a flower to blossom after you've planted the seed.

In a modern world where we always are looking for the easiest way to achieve something, we need to realize that the only way to develop a biblical friendship with someone is by modeling Christ and following His Word. This is not "easy" in the world's terms by any stretch of the imagination, but it is possible through Him and His grace.

2. Trust

Proverbs 16:28: "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."

Oh, how easy it is to simply color a story a certain way, to not tell the whole truth, or to twist it a little, simply to tickle the ears of the listener and to glorify our image in their eyes, or to make ourselves feel more secure.

While out of our mouths it may seem insignificant (I mean, I did tell the basic story, and I did preface it that I may be paraphrasing), such a deliberate slip nudges the snowball down the mountain. Trust, one of the foundational aspects of any relationship, is utterly shattered and the offended cannot take anything the offender says seriously, nor can they hope that any confidence previously shared with that person is safe.

Having experienced the dishonesty and backstabbing of others, both towards myself and to those close to me, I can tell you it is a heart and gut wrenching experience, sometimes undoing years of effort mentioned above.

God is gracious and these things can be healed. Nevertheless, we need to learn to be trustworthy. We all have that friend in whom we can confide. We should try to be the same. Even better, we have the Throne of Grace and should gently remind despairing friends that run to us of the help they will find there.

3. Conflict

Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone."

Proverbs 27:5-6: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse the kisses of an enemy."

Something that has been lost in a land of "self-esteem," sweep-under-the-rug concepts of non-confrontation and the twisted, all-tolerating idea of "love," is conflict.

Consider the proverb above. It is more loving to your friend to address an aspect of her life that concerns you, but only after prayer, consideration, and self-examination (taking the log from your own eye), and approaching her in humility,

Iron sharpens iron, and it can be a painful process, but in the end, true friends will come out of healthy conflict closer and stronger. Fight for your friendship, and ultimately for what is right.

A false friend will lash at you at the first sign of conflict. A true friend will work to set things right.

4. Reconciliation

Luke 17:3: "...if your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him."

Following conflict is reconciliation. Reconciliation takes honesty, humility, patience, and time. Always forgive as God has forgiven you, yet reconciliation is more than just forgiveness. It also involves the "moving on" process, ridding self of all pride, bitterness, and anger, the restoration of things lost in the conflict, and a commitment to building one another up.

5. Kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Ephesians 5:4: "Let there be no filthiness or foolish talk or rude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

There is this social media trend that suggest best friends are mean to each other for the fun of it. Memes declare things like, "You're only their best friend if you laugh when they trip and fall," "Best friends are really just two idiots happy to find someone as weird as they are," and "Friends talk about life. Best friends call each other poop," are splattered on newsfeeds.

What's even sadder is that girls are acting this way, insulting and tearing each other down verbally in the name of humor. Sisters, this is not biblical in any way! You may not think it affects you, but it affects others around you, and it is in no way godly. Let no coarse joking come from our mouths!

In all things we are to be kind and loving, especially our words and deeds. Think of nice things to say when they are appropriate. Counter a verbal slap with a compliment. Do something small to help another or even to make them smile. This will not go unappreciated and helps to nurture a true friendship.

6. Prayer

James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Often we say to our friends, "I'll be praying for you," but do we really? Do you pray for your friends, and not just for their trials but also for your friendship, even in times of conflict?

Prayer is a mighty gift from God and He will always hear us through Christ's intercession. Always pray for your friends. Your prayers are a blessing to them.

Ultimately, friendship is a gift from God designed to promote fellowship in the unity of Christ. It may sound cliché, but think of what you can do for your friends as opposed to what they can do for you. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them how you can pray for them. And above all look to Him in all you do and say.

All verses are taken from the ESV