Pastor's Wife Life

 

This is Jim. Many know him as Pastor Jim Stevenson of Providence OPC, but that is his current title. In other circles he is known as Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo, Chief Jim, Mr. Stevenson, Uncle Jim, and Daddy. He has worn many hats and spun many plates – some not all that glamorous at times. 

As a teacher he had circles that looked up to him. In my opinion, they should since he is one of the best teachers I have met (and that is coming from someone who taught for years). We both share a love for people and good fellowship. 

As an elder he had circles that looked up to him. I am a witness to the countless hours an elder puts in behind the scenes while maintaining another job or two. He has put down his fork at many a dinner when the crisis call would ring. He has gotten up for work the next day after a late night meeting or counseling session. He has stood up for the truth on the floors of presbyteries or general assembly. He has huddled with men over issues I will never know the details about. He does not burden me with it all. When he walks through the door with that weary look, I don't ask... I just bring him a drink, put on a baseball game, and lay down.

That is a snapshot of the profile of my husband. A glimpse of his past twenty-five years with me. The photo above is his typical look on a Sunday afternoon at our little storefront church. He is flirting with me a little through the lens which I love, but he is thinking. He is always thinking. He is thinking about what he just preached from the pulpit. He is thinking about the schedule coming up the coming week. He is thinking about what the congregants told him over lunch that day or on their way out the door. He is thinking about those he saw fall asleep as he preached the Word to them. He is thinking about his day off and..... he is thinking about me.

This is me. Tricia. Wife of Pastor Jim Stevenson. A.k.a. "his lovely wife."
Why do they say that? "His lovely wife." Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable because I know my faults, and this role is quite humbling at times. The honest truth is that it can be a lonely role for some of us. We wives of ministers try to polish up, smile, wave, shake hands, and serve the coffee. We watch our manners...well I am really trying. We try to speak without saying too much.  People need to talk and get it all out and at times I am more than willing to listen for hours. This is different for me. I am a wife, a mother, a teacher, and a friend. I love conversations that go back and forth in an uplifting way. But as a wife of a pastor I do a lot more listening for the sake of others. I pray for wisdom for simple words that will hopefully help and I take their concerns before the throne of grace.

 

This is Jim and Tricia on a day off. We have interests, hobbies, and like to do many things you do. We are people just like you. His job calls him to be a mouthpiece for the Lord. When he preaches he is preaching also to himself. But he can also tell you about music, cars, how to fix a washing machine, raising children, loving his wife, working hard, and a lot about baseball. You could sit with us and discuss theology any day over coffee or a burger around our table at home. We are transparent. We are like you. We are all sheep.  

"Pastor's wife life...one of my favorite places to stop and pray is on our stairs. The cats and kids find me and do not hesitate to snuggle up or sit beside me." - I posted this the other day on my Facebook page. My son had caught me on the steps and the cat had made himself at home on my lap while I was praying. 

One of the key changes in my life becoming a pastor's wife is that I pray more than before and fervently. I do not take my role lightly. This is soul work and I need to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. Unless you are called to this place you will not know the enormity of weight that a Pastor and his wife carry. It is like watching one go through labor pains. You know one is going through it, but you can't feel it with them. We live everyday with the needs and concerns of others. We have a large set of circles interconnected in God's perfect tapestry. We mourn when you mourn. We rejoice when you rejoice. We take you before the throne of grace when you ask for prayer. We watch children grow. We want you to fix your eyes on Christ. We want you to glorify Him and be rid of pride and selfishness. We feel the sting of slander, gossip, and bitterness among people. We know what it is like to be misunderstood and mistreated, but we know the beauty and power of prayer.

God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is all his attributes all at once and all the time. When you come before the Lord he knows all before you speak. It is the most consoling, perfect place of rest. Our lives are transparent before Him. He knows our every weakness. It is He who called my husband to this task and me to be the wife of a pastor – not because there is anything worthy in us but because Christ in His wisdom has brought us here.  

As a pastor's wife I have grown to love hymns. I sing them, memorize them, and play them. I post photos of them on my Facebook feed. They are sometimes my "go to" when I do not have the words to pray. When life goes into a panic mode of uncertainty or I am holding the hand of one who is suffering, it is the words of hymns that often come to mind first.

The Word of God is my anchor in this role. Being under the regularly preached Word was the means of grace that was a healing balm to my soul in the trials of life. My husband's calling is to preach the Word faithfully. As a wife I respect the weekly hours of preparation that it takes for him to translate, read, study, and craft his sermons. I know he is right in the middle of that process when he is pacing around the home. He is just pulling it together. I just hug him, offer him food, and pray.

So now you have met "Jim-n-Trish" as we are known affectionately in some circles. But my hope is that you can picture your own pastor and his wife.  My encouragement to you is to pray for them often and take comfort that they are praying for you. We are ordinary people called to a task in Christ's kingdom. It is Christ who gives us strength and wisdom. Give thanks to the Lord for providing us with faithful under-shepherds who humbly serve His sheep.

"Oh give thanks to the LORD; call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples!" (Psalm 105:1)

Parting the Curtains

"I wish I could peek through your curtains and see if you all are for real," blushed a confessing young mother and friend. This statement early in our friendship seemed to bubble up out of nowhere and I understood why. We seemed like we had it together but was it the real deal?

Our life had been in a fish bowl due to living and working at a public place, living the life as an elder's family for 12 years and then entering the pastorate life. I was called to marry a man who due to his personality and calling has a spotlight on him where ever he goes. Our early days in college were a challenge for me because I felt like I was in the running for shyest girl on the campus while hanging with a man and his friends who were truly the life of the party.

Our home life is normal. It consists in the everyday tasks and routines that make up a home. We really have nothing to hide. I could answer my friend honestly and say, "Go ahead, what you see is what it is." The ones who could testify to this are the many young friends we have babysat or hosted with our own children or the people who gathered around our table.

Home life, church life and our behavior outside of home should be balanced. It all starts with the home. This is where you learn from your mistakes, work it out, challenge one another, discuss what needs to be discussed and fellowship around your own table. Home is where you learn good habits, take care of each other and build up one another. When one person in the family is struggling we pray for them and either admonish or encourage them. We do not do this online and we do not want to do this in public.

As a pastor's wife I realize that we have life twirling on our phone, on our doorstep, and in our social events. We cannot guard the kids completely from hearing people let it all hang out so to speak. Our children are not in a happy bubble away from the "real world."  The real world comes to their home, their table, their times of travel, their holidays, and their times of fellowship. I knew we all needed to communicate when necessary and encourage each other to pray for others. The children know when daddy's phone rings to find something to do and when someone comes for a pastoral visit to find something to do.  I as an elder's and pastor's wife tell others that it is like living with the CIA and I do not know what goes on with the work of the session.

When necessary, we as parents need wisdom how to discuss sensitive topics appropriately, honestly and with the use of God's Word. The Lord knows our weaknesses and our need for grace. We build a trust with one another knowing when to speak and when to listen.

Children in the ministry life have opportunities to serve, encourage, and build others up. We mourn for those who mourn and we rejoice with those who rejoice. We pray for our missionary families. We pray for other pastors and their families. We practice the catechism each evening after supper. We hear the scripture read, we share what we are thankful for and pray together. We serve on the Lord's day at our storefront building. Everyone has specific tasks to do morning and evening and we learn the benefit of serving others. This is the outflow of our everyday life at home.

Behind our curtains there are dishes to be washed, toys to be picked up, closets to rearrange, and a to do list to make. There are deadlines, a budget, and the holidays to look forward to together. We are a family and we desire to honor the Lord in our home. By God's grace he is molding each of us in his sanctifying work and glorifying Himself in our roles as father, mother, sister and brother. What we all are are His workmanship, His children and we belong to Christ. If you peek sweet friends that is what you will see...

Six Overlooked Necessities for True Godly Friendship

This is a guest post from my daughter, Rachel Stevenson, on the topic of Biblical Friendship. Rachel is our oldest of four children. Her hobbies and interests include writing, art, baking, history and her cat, Joash. She is a senior in High School with hopes to be published someday.

 

In our day and age, "friend" can mean anything from your mother's second cousin's wife who's on a list of Facebook connections to a classmate you've known since kindergarten to your neighbor down the street. However, I think when it comes to discussing friendship on spiritual terms, we know we're really talking about true friendships.

The Jonathan to our David. The Diana to our Anne. The Sam to our Frodo. True friendship is a concept even the world can grasp, though weakly, stained and warped with sinful motivations. We live in a self-centered culture, where some of the most basic essentials of true biblical friendship have been drowned out in a noisy sea of "ME FIRST."

As a pastor's daughter who has moved a few times in different regions and situations, some better than others, I have had to start new circles and plant new friendships often. This is definitely a growing process, one which my parents, my "old" friends, and the grace of God have helped me through and one where I have discovered the need for the re-establishing of the basic necessities for God-honoring friendships to thrive. Six of these necessities, which are all biblically specified and applicable for any relationship, are: Effort, Trust, Conflict, Reconciliation, Kindness, and Prayer.

1. Effort

Friendship takes effort. Friendship is an investment. It takes time, conversation, and work from both individuals. Any relationship must be nurtured to thrive. Expecting friendship or any relationship to solidify upon meeting someone is like expecting a flower to blossom after you've planted the seed.

In a modern world where we always are looking for the easiest way to achieve something, we need to realize that the only way to develop a biblical friendship with someone is by modeling Christ and following His Word. This is not "easy" in the world's terms by any stretch of the imagination, but it is possible through Him and His grace.

2. Trust

Proverbs 16:28: "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."

Oh, how easy it is to simply color a story a certain way, to not tell the whole truth, or to twist it a little, simply to tickle the ears of the listener and to glorify our image in their eyes, or to make ourselves feel more secure.

While out of our mouths it may seem insignificant (I mean, I did tell the basic story, and I did preface it that I may be paraphrasing), such a deliberate slip nudges the snowball down the mountain. Trust, one of the foundational aspects of any relationship, is utterly shattered and the offended cannot take anything the offender says seriously, nor can they hope that any confidence previously shared with that person is safe.

Having experienced the dishonesty and backstabbing of others, both towards myself and to those close to me, I can tell you it is a heart and gut wrenching experience, sometimes undoing years of effort mentioned above.

God is gracious and these things can be healed. Nevertheless, we need to learn to be trustworthy. We all have that friend in whom we can confide. We should try to be the same. Even better, we have the Throne of Grace and should gently remind despairing friends that run to us of the help they will find there.

3. Conflict

Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone."

Proverbs 27:5-6: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse the kisses of an enemy."

Something that has been lost in a land of "self-esteem," sweep-under-the-rug concepts of non-confrontation and the twisted, all-tolerating idea of "love," is conflict.

Consider the proverb above. It is more loving to your friend to address an aspect of her life that concerns you, but only after prayer, consideration, and self-examination (taking the log from your own eye), and approaching her in humility,

Iron sharpens iron, and it can be a painful process, but in the end, true friends will come out of healthy conflict closer and stronger. Fight for your friendship, and ultimately for what is right.

A false friend will lash at you at the first sign of conflict. A true friend will work to set things right.

4. Reconciliation

Luke 17:3: "...if your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him."

Following conflict is reconciliation. Reconciliation takes honesty, humility, patience, and time. Always forgive as God has forgiven you, yet reconciliation is more than just forgiveness. It also involves the "moving on" process, ridding self of all pride, bitterness, and anger, the restoration of things lost in the conflict, and a commitment to building one another up.

5. Kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Ephesians 5:4: "Let there be no filthiness or foolish talk or rude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

There is this social media trend that suggest best friends are mean to each other for the fun of it. Memes declare things like, "You're only their best friend if you laugh when they trip and fall," "Best friends are really just two idiots happy to find someone as weird as they are," and "Friends talk about life. Best friends call each other poop," are splattered on newsfeeds.

What's even sadder is that girls are acting this way, insulting and tearing each other down verbally in the name of humor. Sisters, this is not biblical in any way! You may not think it affects you, but it affects others around you, and it is in no way godly. Let no coarse joking come from our mouths!

In all things we are to be kind and loving, especially our words and deeds. Think of nice things to say when they are appropriate. Counter a verbal slap with a compliment. Do something small to help another or even to make them smile. This will not go unappreciated and helps to nurture a true friendship.

6. Prayer

James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Often we say to our friends, "I'll be praying for you," but do we really? Do you pray for your friends, and not just for their trials but also for your friendship, even in times of conflict?

Prayer is a mighty gift from God and He will always hear us through Christ's intercession. Always pray for your friends. Your prayers are a blessing to them.

Ultimately, friendship is a gift from God designed to promote fellowship in the unity of Christ. It may sound cliché, but think of what you can do for your friends as opposed to what they can do for you. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them how you can pray for them. And above all look to Him in all you do and say.

All verses are taken from the ESV