Parting the Curtains

"I wish I could peek through your curtains and see if you all are for real," blushed a confessing young mother and friend. This statement early in our friendship seemed to bubble up out of nowhere and I understood why. We seemed like we had it together but was it the real deal?

Our life had been in a fish bowl due to living and working at a public place, living the life as an elder's family for 12 years and then entering the pastorate life. I was called to marry a man who due to his personality and calling has a spotlight on him where ever he goes. Our early days in college were a challenge for me because I felt like I was in the running for shyest girl on the campus while hanging with a man and his friends who were truly the life of the party.

Our home life is normal. It consists in the everyday tasks and routines that make up a home. We really have nothing to hide. I could answer my friend honestly and say, "Go ahead, what you see is what it is." The ones who could testify to this are the many young friends we have babysat or hosted with our own children or the people who gathered around our table.

Home life, church life and our behavior outside of home should be balanced. It all starts with the home. This is where you learn from your mistakes, work it out, challenge one another, discuss what needs to be discussed and fellowship around your own table. Home is where you learn good habits, take care of each other and build up one another. When one person in the family is struggling we pray for them and either admonish or encourage them. We do not do this online and we do not want to do this in public.

As a pastor's wife I realize that we have life twirling on our phone, on our doorstep, and in our social events. We cannot guard the kids completely from hearing people let it all hang out so to speak. Our children are not in a happy bubble away from the "real world."  The real world comes to their home, their table, their times of travel, their holidays, and their times of fellowship. I knew we all needed to communicate when necessary and encourage each other to pray for others. The children know when daddy's phone rings to find something to do and when someone comes for a pastoral visit to find something to do.  I as an elder's and pastor's wife tell others that it is like living with the CIA and I do not know what goes on with the work of the session.

When necessary, we as parents need wisdom how to discuss sensitive topics appropriately, honestly and with the use of God's Word. The Lord knows our weaknesses and our need for grace. We build a trust with one another knowing when to speak and when to listen.

Children in the ministry life have opportunities to serve, encourage, and build others up. We mourn for those who mourn and we rejoice with those who rejoice. We pray for our missionary families. We pray for other pastors and their families. We practice the catechism each evening after supper. We hear the scripture read, we share what we are thankful for and pray together. We serve on the Lord's day at our storefront building. Everyone has specific tasks to do morning and evening and we learn the benefit of serving others. This is the outflow of our everyday life at home.

Behind our curtains there are dishes to be washed, toys to be picked up, closets to rearrange, and a to do list to make. There are deadlines, a budget, and the holidays to look forward to together. We are a family and we desire to honor the Lord in our home. By God's grace he is molding each of us in his sanctifying work and glorifying Himself in our roles as father, mother, sister and brother. What we all are are His workmanship, His children and we belong to Christ. If you peek sweet friends that is what you will see...

Six Overlooked Necessities for True Godly Friendship

This is a guest post from my daughter, Rachel Stevenson, on the topic of Biblical Friendship. Rachel is our oldest of four children. Her hobbies and interests include writing, art, baking, history and her cat, Joash. She is a senior in High School with hopes to be published someday.

 

In our day and age, "friend" can mean anything from your mother's second cousin's wife who's on a list of Facebook connections to a classmate you've known since kindergarten to your neighbor down the street. However, I think when it comes to discussing friendship on spiritual terms, we know we're really talking about true friendships.

The Jonathan to our David. The Diana to our Anne. The Sam to our Frodo. True friendship is a concept even the world can grasp, though weakly, stained and warped with sinful motivations. We live in a self-centered culture, where some of the most basic essentials of true biblical friendship have been drowned out in a noisy sea of "ME FIRST."

As a pastor's daughter who has moved a few times in different regions and situations, some better than others, I have had to start new circles and plant new friendships often. This is definitely a growing process, one which my parents, my "old" friends, and the grace of God have helped me through and one where I have discovered the need for the re-establishing of the basic necessities for God-honoring friendships to thrive. Six of these necessities, which are all biblically specified and applicable for any relationship, are: Effort, Trust, Conflict, Reconciliation, Kindness, and Prayer.

1. Effort

Friendship takes effort. Friendship is an investment. It takes time, conversation, and work from both individuals. Any relationship must be nurtured to thrive. Expecting friendship or any relationship to solidify upon meeting someone is like expecting a flower to blossom after you've planted the seed.

In a modern world where we always are looking for the easiest way to achieve something, we need to realize that the only way to develop a biblical friendship with someone is by modeling Christ and following His Word. This is not "easy" in the world's terms by any stretch of the imagination, but it is possible through Him and His grace.

2. Trust

Proverbs 16:28: "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."

Oh, how easy it is to simply color a story a certain way, to not tell the whole truth, or to twist it a little, simply to tickle the ears of the listener and to glorify our image in their eyes, or to make ourselves feel more secure.

While out of our mouths it may seem insignificant (I mean, I did tell the basic story, and I did preface it that I may be paraphrasing), such a deliberate slip nudges the snowball down the mountain. Trust, one of the foundational aspects of any relationship, is utterly shattered and the offended cannot take anything the offender says seriously, nor can they hope that any confidence previously shared with that person is safe.

Having experienced the dishonesty and backstabbing of others, both towards myself and to those close to me, I can tell you it is a heart and gut wrenching experience, sometimes undoing years of effort mentioned above.

God is gracious and these things can be healed. Nevertheless, we need to learn to be trustworthy. We all have that friend in whom we can confide. We should try to be the same. Even better, we have the Throne of Grace and should gently remind despairing friends that run to us of the help they will find there.

3. Conflict

Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone."

Proverbs 27:5-6: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse the kisses of an enemy."

Something that has been lost in a land of "self-esteem," sweep-under-the-rug concepts of non-confrontation and the twisted, all-tolerating idea of "love," is conflict.

Consider the proverb above. It is more loving to your friend to address an aspect of her life that concerns you, but only after prayer, consideration, and self-examination (taking the log from your own eye), and approaching her in humility,

Iron sharpens iron, and it can be a painful process, but in the end, true friends will come out of healthy conflict closer and stronger. Fight for your friendship, and ultimately for what is right.

A false friend will lash at you at the first sign of conflict. A true friend will work to set things right.

4. Reconciliation

Luke 17:3: "...if your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him."

Following conflict is reconciliation. Reconciliation takes honesty, humility, patience, and time. Always forgive as God has forgiven you, yet reconciliation is more than just forgiveness. It also involves the "moving on" process, ridding self of all pride, bitterness, and anger, the restoration of things lost in the conflict, and a commitment to building one another up.

5. Kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Ephesians 5:4: "Let there be no filthiness or foolish talk or rude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

There is this social media trend that suggest best friends are mean to each other for the fun of it. Memes declare things like, "You're only their best friend if you laugh when they trip and fall," "Best friends are really just two idiots happy to find someone as weird as they are," and "Friends talk about life. Best friends call each other poop," are splattered on newsfeeds.

What's even sadder is that girls are acting this way, insulting and tearing each other down verbally in the name of humor. Sisters, this is not biblical in any way! You may not think it affects you, but it affects others around you, and it is in no way godly. Let no coarse joking come from our mouths!

In all things we are to be kind and loving, especially our words and deeds. Think of nice things to say when they are appropriate. Counter a verbal slap with a compliment. Do something small to help another or even to make them smile. This will not go unappreciated and helps to nurture a true friendship.

6. Prayer

James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Often we say to our friends, "I'll be praying for you," but do we really? Do you pray for your friends, and not just for their trials but also for your friendship, even in times of conflict?

Prayer is a mighty gift from God and He will always hear us through Christ's intercession. Always pray for your friends. Your prayers are a blessing to them.

Ultimately, friendship is a gift from God designed to promote fellowship in the unity of Christ. It may sound cliché, but think of what you can do for your friends as opposed to what they can do for you. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them how you can pray for them. And above all look to Him in all you do and say.

All verses are taken from the ESV