One of the duties that older Christian women have is to train younger Christian women to love their husbands; Titus 2: 3-4 states, "They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children." (ESV)
When it comes to the topic of loving your husband it comes down to a simple command - love your husband. To put it into godly faithful practice till death do us part is a life-time commitment rooted in Christ. This calls for a knowledge of and an obedience to the teachings found in the Word of God. It calls for an effort on our part that is found in God's strength and not our own. It calls for a prayer-filled life that seeks forgiveness and calls for wisdom and strength. It is a daily effort of putting off of oneself and the practice of serving another. What that looks like is modeled by other godly ladies around you who love their husbands. There is godly advice and there is worldly advice. I am grateful for the examples in my circles whom God used to train me. These are God-fearing Christian women in the church that took me under their wing to guide me as a fellow woman in Christ.
We ladies love a love story don't we? We enjoy photos of newly married couples and it stirs up a desire in our hearts to love and be loved. This is a good thing. If you have a desire to be married some day then now is the time to study further what it means to be a godly wife. Your guidance is found in the Word of God. Christ is your head. The Holy Spirit stirs our hearts for a love of Him and the more we learn of who Christ is and what He has done for us the more we freely submit to Him and serve Him with our whole heart. This is the beautiful foundation that will usher you sweetly into a proper frame of mind for the day when you become a wife. You would do well to make friends with those who are at different stages in life including widows. I learned the most from the older ladies in my circles. If we are going to love honestly and wholly it must be with the foundation of selfless effort rooted in Christ. Be in the circles of those who serve and speak well of their husbands.
When you meet your husband-to-be you will notice a connect in friendship that is different than the rest. You may have some similar interests or a common circle of friends. Taking whatever time to communicate with one another today is helpful for tomorrow. You are two personalities getting to know one another each with your own gifts. Be yourself. You would do best to understand that you will not change him. That is not our purpose. That is between him and the Lord. Whatever concerns you have about him is to be taken before the throne of grace. Who he is is who he is. I and others can testify concerning our respective husbands that the essence of who he is now is still the same man twenty-five years or more later and will be till death do you part. Let me warn you from what I have seen around me that if you do attempt to control and change him in your own wisdom and strength you will only end up with a sad defeated mess of a man and you yourself may be lonely and miserable left craving for his headship and care. Remember we have a supportive role as a suitable helper for our husband under his headship which is under Christ's headship.
Here are some things I have gleaned with a glimpse into our life as husband and wife. Above is a picture of a pile of clothes showing the reality of the everyday of married life. This everyday of marriage kicks in well before you celebrate that first anniversary. You are two people living together day to day. His stuff with your stuff. Where is that stuff going to go and how do we take care of it all? Do we need more stuff and how will we budget it? What is for dinner? Who is making dinner? Who is cleaning up and how? Just some of the things you iron out the first year. It sometimes comes with passion which is a bit amusing. You have a passionate start so don't be surprised when you find yourself passionately arguing one morning on let's just say whether the top button of a dress shirt should be buttoned on the hanger. Yeah, that was a noisy Saturday morning in our first place, but we aren't the only ones who have confessed to this stage and it may feel like your wedded bliss just entered a spiral but it didn't. You will be okay and making up is a bonus. You are trying to learn to live together. Don't let these everyday future conflicts make you overthink or hesitate to marry, just marry and let these matters be part of your growing up together. Conflicts have purpose and I learned more and more to be selfless because of them. My duties, calling, routine, and care are for his benefit and needs and for the glory of God and not my own. God blesses our home and our relationship to one another when we have this humble attitude of selflessness and a desire to obey the Lord.
Married life will involve change. Marriage means that "a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6b). These words are the foundation of your marriage. You will leave and cleave. Hold fast and guard your thoughts and your time with each other. Your first priority is your spouse then family. We have stuck to this as a couple and have been blessed. You will begin a new home where the Lord calls you to go. You may, like us, end up moving several times to different regions over the years. You may learn about new places, meet new people, and be supported in your circles that this is a new adventure and exciting and so forth, but you will face a normal time of homesickness for the familiar. The reality is you are uprooting each time and inside it sometimes unsettles you and calls you to physically leave circles you have invested in as a couple. Marriage is designed to weather these changes. Hold fast to your spouse. Hone in in your home and stick together. Keep your sense of humor and create first memories in each new place that are uniquely yours. Be grateful for the support of others but give priority to your lives as husband and wife during these transitions. We are thankful for doing this ourselves.
Money. Yep, that can be a marriage strainer. But it doesn't have to be if you do one thing...live within your means. That's it. Just do it. Hold each other accountable. I was financially on my own before I was married. It grew me up and I was better prepared to be a wife. This included no sponging on others. I felt the weight of occasional debt, and best of all learned to live within my means. I splurged less, gave more, and became really resourceful. I learned better how to keep a home, I learned how to cook creatively on a budget, how to host by myself and how to handle for a time the lonely life of post college. But every situation is different. Learning to live within my means came to be of much help when my husband entered seminary as a second career and we were raising four young children. If you desire to build a good home then be responsible for your day to day budget. I have been our book keeper for twenty-five years. I do the files, he does the taxes, I tend to do the daily spending while he handles the big purchases and the key part is we keep each other in the loop. We honestly communicate about money and our budget. There have been opportunities for learning along the way with those what were we thinking purchases and those Oh My! I should not food shop on an empty stomach! Working together with our budget taught me how much I could trust my husband financially and how much he himself was willing to learn along the way.
If there is one lesson I learned from those sweet ladies it was to make him your priority. If you find that difficult then check if it's you that is the priority. I know, ouch, but I have seen it too often in myself not to point that one out first. As a mom I slipped into making the kids the priority at times. That may sound okay, but honestly no one is happy in that scenario not even the kids. If it is because you find yourself distant from him then get to know him. That is what I did. If this meant feeding the kids first and having our own stay at home date night later than we did just that. We have favorite food dishes that are just for us.
We have loved spending time together just the two of us. We spent time together before kids, while raising kids, and Lord willing we will look forward to the empty nest years. We know each other quite well and if you hang out with us you will pick up on that rather quickly by how we talk with each other. Recently, we had the movie theater to ourselves for a bit. If you were there you would have caught us laughing and playing I Spy just for the fun of it till the movie started. We have years and years of friendship that keeps rolling along and who we are on the inside doesn't age. The time you spend together will help solidify you two for the long run ahead with all the stresses adult life can bring. If you know each other you will communicate in a way that builds one another up, say just the right thing to break the stress, or know when to say nothing at all. You are more than companions - you are one flesh.
When my husband and I first married we had our plans made and had our goals laid out but I can tell you they did not end up being where we are now. Trust and be willing to go where the Lord leads you. The Lord directs the two of you. He knows where you will be called to live, to serve, to worship, etc. You really are along for the ride. Trust that when those trials and life lessons come your way that the Lord is not wringing his hands. We went through quite a bit and I have touched on that in previous blogs and all I can say is God is sovereign and we survived. Pray with and for one another. Give yourself time to process things before you speak your concerns. When you are tempted to worry let your concerns be made known to each other and create a trust with one another. Mourn when he mourns, but remember that there will be times when he needs to process and grieve in a way that will be different than the way that you process and grieve. He will make mistakes, so forgive often, and keep such times between the two of you. You should be a shoulder for him as much as he is for you. You are his wife, the one that can embrace him in a way no other can offering him respite in a trying world. Be a comfort to him when he is sick. Be a trustworthy help-meet when he needs to process and heal. Take your concerns to the throne of grace and seek wisdom in how to meet his needs. Ask the Lord for strength when you are weary or concerned and pray that you have compassion for your husband. We are either a burden or a blessing to others. We wives should desire to be a blessing. By God's grace you will grow to be more and more Christ-like in what you do and say and over the years you will build a solid relationship that is a beautiful testimony in a darkened world.
My husband like many other husbands we know likes their home to be a haven - a respite. I love to decorate, organize, clean, and straighten the place for him and the children because I love them and I love our home wherever we may be. There is a sense of satisfaction in knowing where things are and being able to enjoy a clean and comfortable home together. My husband and kids have been helpful in pitching in together with various tasks and chores. Our home is for all of us to share. There are my "fingerprints" of interests and decor but more importantly there are also his. I like to blend us in the home. You will see his interests and hobbies as much as mine. It is important to me that my husband does not live in an over flowery pink home. It is his home too and as much as I love my feminine touches that is what they are touches. There are some things we all love like the smell of something baking or the aroma of a dinner simmering. I know my husband's favorite food and his not so favorite. He is not a fan of squash but I am. So I just make a smaller side dish of it for those of us who want it. The extra effort at meal time goes a long way. The simple gesture of lighting candles and plating food now and then makes for a happy table. I learned this by visiting homes of other ladies who knew the benefit and reward of that loving extra effort.
I am thankful for the benefit our kids receive from our love for one another. There is an assurance, a peace, and a comfort for them when I show love to my husband and speak well of him in front of our children and others. Ladies do not bash your husbands. If I find myself bashing mine even in jest I seek his forgiveness. I also do not share my concerns behind his back or want to make him the source of public jest. You will tear your home and family apart if you do these things. Repent of this and seek forgiveness from him and your children and speak what is good and loving instead.
I am thankful for the many ways he models for our kids what it means to be a godly man in the home. He is a hard worker and has a heart for the Lord. Our support and encouragement as wives goes a long way for our husbands. Having a gentle and quiet spirit is a delight in the home for him and the children. I have learned to appreciate more and more what makes my husband a man. I watch him interact with other men, I learned what makes him happy, and I learned what he dislikes. Talk with your spouse and get to know him and be willing to make an effort to be someone he delights to be around. I encourage our sons to look to their dad for guidance and for our daughters to learn how to appreciate godly men for who they are in Christ and not what we women think they should be.
Our marriage is one story of many, shaped by God, and purposed for His glory. May each of you dear sisters in Christ seek the Lord, pray, and press on in all you do. May you be blessed by His immeasurable grace and love as you grow with your husband and be a blessing to each other.
